Saturday, April 7, 2012

Nanay

When I found out that I was pregnant, it was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I had gotten married six months before and it was a joyous event but bittersweet at the same time. My mother was severely ill and three days after my wedding, she passed away. I was devastated. It isn't easy seeing someone you love take their last breaths in front of you, plus I had been in denial over how serious her condition was (she singlehandedly raised 7 kids and battled cancer for 6 years! She can't possibly be dying!), and when she died, I was completely lost.

After her death, I kind of folded into myself. I wanted to stay at home, had no urge to go back to work or even go outside. I didn't want to meet my closest friends and pretend I was OK. Instead, I found a hobby that I liked (polymer clay), met new people online and kept myself distracted.

I cried almost everyday. I agonized over every harsh word, ignorant comment, selfish act and thoughtless move I had said or done to my mother. Regret. It's the most difficult thing to live with. I had reached the point where I really didn't care much for anything and was praying for something significant to happen when I found out that I was going to be a mother.

I envy the pregnant women who still have their moms around to help them and give them advice. Most of the time, I am not even sure if I'm doing the right thing and I would pray every night, hoping my mother would approve of my actions and be proud of me. I think about her every day. How I wish she were still around, what I would give to see her holding my baby and beaming down at her like the proud grandmother who you just know will spoil your kids like crazy.

This is such a disjointed blog post, I'm sorry. Writing about this is still difficult for me. I don't think the ache or the loss goes away completely and when I become a mother myself in a few weeks from now, I will be gauging my actions against my mother's. Its terrifying because she was so good at raising us. If I could be even half of what she was like, I would be extremely lucky. And grateful. I miss her so much.


2 comments:

  1. Hello Ling. I have a 77 year old mom who I call Nanay and I am also a mom with seven kids. One of the hardest part of being a new mom is when you feel you have no one to rely to but yourself. There maybe lots of books written about it, but nothing can be compared when you have your own mom to guide you.

    Your mom may no longer be here physically but she will always be there inside your heart. In time you will learn that she is there especially at times you need her most . And that she never really left . And that the best way to honor her is to be as honest as you can be when it comes to motherhood. You are not perfect, just like most of us are , who only have grown through the years as we have learned from the challenges and got rewarded with the acceptance of being a mother.

    Be strong for your kid and here's hoping you have an easy and safe delivery.

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    1. Thank you so much Sarah. Many times its the thought that she's still around that pulls me through. Its so heartwarming to read your message especially since I have a hard time talking about this to my close friends, Ive always felt like they wouldnt understand. Thanks for your encouraging words!

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