When I found out that I was pregnant, it was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I had gotten married six months before and it was a joyous event but bittersweet at the same time. My mother was severely ill and three days after my wedding, she passed away. I was devastated. It isn't easy seeing someone you love take their last breaths in front of you, plus I had been in denial over how serious her condition was (she singlehandedly raised 7 kids and battled cancer for 6 years! She can't possibly be dying!), and when she died, I was completely lost.
After her death, I kind of folded into myself. I wanted to stay at home, had no urge to go back to work or even go outside. I didn't want to meet my closest friends and pretend I was OK. Instead, I found a hobby that I liked (polymer clay), met new people online and kept myself distracted.
I cried almost everyday. I agonized over every harsh word, ignorant comment, selfish act and thoughtless move I had said or done to my mother. Regret. It's the most difficult thing to live with. I had reached the point where I really didn't care much for anything and was praying for something significant to happen when I found out that I was going to be a mother.
I envy the pregnant women who still have their moms around to help them and give them advice. Most of the time, I am not even sure if I'm doing the right thing and I would pray every night, hoping my mother would approve of my actions and be proud of me. I think about her every day. How I wish she were still around, what I would give to see her holding my baby and beaming down at her like the proud grandmother who you just know will spoil your kids like crazy.
This is such a disjointed blog post, I'm sorry. Writing about this is still difficult for me. I don't think the ache or the loss goes away completely and when I become a mother myself in a few weeks from now, I will be gauging my actions against my mother's. Its terrifying because she was so good at raising us. If I could be even half of what she was like, I would be extremely lucky. And grateful. I miss her so much.